As much as it pains me to admit this, my birthday is in seven days. I’ll be turning 25. I’m dreading it.
For the last few weeks my brain has been moving a million miles a minute as my birthday comes closer and closer by the second. I think about where I am in life, what I’m currently doing in my life and how everything is wrong. This, or something similar to it is what my peers have dubbed the “quarter life crisis.” Let me tell you, it’s truly terrifying.
The first time this crisis peaked its ugly head out was during a intense shower. After I wrote about it a lot saying I was going to do more to help set myself up to be more successful and be more comfortable with my chances of finding a job relevant to what I want to do. Well that was definitely the crack that led to the gates of hell being opened. The idea of turning 25 has completely occupied my brain. So much so it led to a full-on babble-fest meltdown to my boyfriend in the middle of a Chipotle. He was not helpful. So much so that he took my phone and Snapchatted a picture of me in full rant mode with the caption “someone’s having their quarter life crisis” with a bunch of the fire emojis all over the place. He then proceeded to lightly chuckle at me and tell me he’s been through it all too and that was it. No constructive criticism. No reassuring. Nothing. He just laughed at me. He’s 27. So, babe, if you’re reading this, thanks for your support on this matter and here’s a fresh reminder that you’re almost 30. Love you.
(Full disclosure: he’s very supportive of me and does a very good job reassuring me during all my meltdowns. It was just this one instance he was not.)
Since that initial meltdown, I’ve had it twice again. Once to my mother, who’s response was, “well, I’m glad I finally know where your head’s at.” Very helpful. The other was in an email to my pretend-brother who is currently on his Mormon mission in the Washington DC area. So all in all, I don’t feel like I’m doing so hot right now in handling this very well. Luckily (and yet maybe slightly unluckily), I have a very shy trigger finger. All the things I’ve said I’ll do I haven’t actually gotten around to. Before, I said I was going to let my birthday pass and then get down to business but I don’t think I can wait that long anymore.
As I mentioned earlier, in dealing with this crisis I think about where I am in my life and what I’m currently doing. I’m still in school with no job and nothing on the horizon and the stress that comes with having nothing and being nervous to do anything about it. I’m also hindered by my annoying ability to make decisions very slowly. I do this with a lot of things. I weigh all my options, I do research, I sit on things and if they’re still available to me later then I’ll act. (With one exception being a blu-ray player I bought on a whim with a gift card.) Like I said, shy trigger finger. One thing I do know is that I need to feel legitimate and fast. I put my money into this website so I dont have amateur looking URL's and something that feels professional. I understand that the content should be more important than appearances in the early goings but I’ve already proven that I’m bad at keeping up with regular blogs. If I put money into something that I know will look nice, I’m putting my own money on the line and if I’m negligent again, that’s a waste on my part. I’m looking into getting Adobe software through my school so I can learn Photoshop and Illustrator and all those fun things. I’m also in the discussion stages of doing a podcast with someone. To me it feels like I’m taking the next step in getting this going, even if that next step is just coming to terms with actually doing it.
I can’t say enough how lost I feel despite being on this path. I just feel like there is so much uncertainty. So what if I get the degree. So what if I have a degree that says I can get a job in the field of Communications with an emphasis in entertainment and tourism. What good will that do me if one day I wake up and decide, “holy sh--. I am miserable. I don’t want to do this. I want to be the next J.K. Rowling. I should’ve gone to school to be the next J.K. Rowling.” (Deep seeded brain is telling me there is no such school but I think you get my drift.) In an aha-moment I had just now, my gut is telling me that I’m just burdened by this need to be happy the right way. If I got the opportunity to live and work in New York, I’d probably take it in a heartbeat. But what if I don’t get that opportunity right out of the gate and I decide to take a job offer in Dallas instead thinking that it’s not ideal but I’ll learn to love it and eventually everything will be fine? I don’t want to invest so much of my life in a place I thought I would be able to love, at a job I thought I’d be satisfied in and then come to the realization that I could’ve been so much more, somewhere better. I’ve messed up so much in my life already. All of that has put me where I am now and feeling like I have to play catch up. I’m not ready to make decisions that have disastrous consequences should I choose wrong. I want to do it right the first time and I also want to know as soon as I can if that’s an impossible thing to know.
This got way deep, quick. I don’t know if it made any sense. I don’t really care either. This is my life right now. These are my thoughts right now and I don’t think they’re going away anytime soon.
What’s something you’ve been enjoying in pop culture, Alex?
I started The West Wing! Oh my god have I been missing out! It’s right up my alley with the fast paced dialogue and the walk and talk shots and it’s a political drama which I have a quiet thing for. The characters are amazing, the stories and writing are even better. It’s so topical yet so 1999 at the same time. There was a line about how the internet was not going to be just a fad. So you know, it’s a comedy too.
But seriously, this show is incredible. I know I’ve got seven seasons to wade through but I’m loving every second of it. Should you be a podcast listener as well, theres a great companion show called The West Wing Weekly that is ABSOLUTELY worth checking out.
Given the contents of this post, and a “thing” from The West Wing, I think there’s only one appropriate way to sign off…
Okay? Okay. What’s next?
You can watch The West Wing with a Netflix subscription.
You can find The West Wing Weekly here.
You can listen to The West Wing Weekly Podcast here.